I fell off the blogging every day thing. I’m still working on my book though. 🙂 God, I just feel sad. So, so sad. And there’s different pieces to that. One has been work. One has been my parents. One has honestly been the election and the denial of science and the elevation of hate. Spheres of influence; my head, my family, my outer world. My work has always been important to me, a calling that invokes my mind and my soul. My parents are important to me because they are my roots and my challenge. And science is the way we know the world, the way we see past our own lies and how we deceive ourselves. It is the way we elevate ourselves beyond being merely selfish animals. To deny that, wholesale, seems like a terrible step backwards. Not that the earth will care. It will continue no matter what we do. But still, do we have to be this stupid? Do we have to be so selfish? Can we care about no one but people like ourselves? I do not believe that love is zero-sum game. These are the thoughts that I grapple with as the days grow shorter and nights colder and long.
But on the other hand, my inner-inner circle is really good. My relationships with my kids are still so fun, so satisfying, so deep and happy. True love. It pierces like a thorn to the heart of who I am and grows like roses. Wild ones, the ones you can smell, happy and sprawling and free. And things with Kevin are really great–easy and happy. It is a good thing, even if it feels strange, to be with someone who accepts me more than I do myself. But the darkness sometimes is deep too.
So. One thing at a time. Bit by bit, I will change things. However, not all things can be changed at once. The first step is my job, and that has now been taken care of. A pity to leave the one I’m at, I did not leave it lightly. But you come to a point where you no longer fight the good fight, and it is time to move on. I have a new position with a startup. I am excited, it will different. I will be able to do a lot of good there.
As to the other things. . .well, one does what one can. I worry terribly about my parents. I don’t know how much I can help them for afar. I want them to be happy, but they are so alone out there. And I have my own responsibilities to my own children who come first. I don’t know what will happen there.
To everything else, I am not sure. That is a harder question, one about meaning and how much one can influence anything. I don’t know what I can influence. In the meantime, I will do the best I can.