It’s that time of year again. The sun is lingering in the days and the nights are full of frogsong and breeze, the time I get restless and want to get out and date again. I’ve been thinking a lot about love and where I’m at with that. Because the last few relationships I’ve been in, it’s gotten to a few months and I just can’t go farther. I have fun and usually the person is wonderful, but since the phrase “it’s not you, it’s me” has been deemed as utter bullshit, I’m left with nothing. Actually, it’s just that I can usually tell after 3 months or so if I have the potential to love someone and I still can’t seem to get there.
And yet, dear god, I love men. Actually, I love people – it’s just that I don’t usually get a urge to kiss women. Not often. Maybe occasionally. 😉 Mostly men though.
But as much as I need my alone time, I love having companions and friends to do stuff with, to experience this existence with. It’s boring without friends. Because life it fleeting, and we never know when it’s over. Maybe I have years, maybe I only have days. With my girls, full of luscious youth and eyes white and untainted, I can love absolutely and give everything away because it gives me such fierce joy to give so much, to completely love with abandon. With my girlfriends, they may not even know how much I think about them, how much even the ones that are far away, fill me with smiles when I think of them.
I have a great life. I have only had a few great loves in my life (including my ex-husband, though it ended), but they saw something beautiful in me – a beauty I couldn’t believe that I could possess, because how I could I be so sad if I was beautiful and anyway isn’t it conceited to think that way? – and yet in their eyes, I could see that they believed it, they believed in me. So now, I try to give that back, even if I don’t always know how.
And the great thing is, when I invite people into my life, there is always something totally awesome in them. I may not be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay – I don’t want people who don’t get me in my life. Go away, you who hate me or whatever, I really don’t need you. I need the space you leave to find the people of my tribe, the ones who have been hurt but yet can let go, the ones who know everyone has suffered in someway but it hasn’t killed their compassion, as Kahlil Gibran says,
From “On Joy and Sorrow”
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
This world is full of love and cruelty, joy and sorrow. And yet, what would the meaning of it be if was only one or the other? What would we learn about each other, about ourselves, if it were not so? So tonight, I will be grateful. I don’t know my future but I trust in the universe, I trust in existence that it will be okay. That I can love and not be loved in return – or that someone may want more from me than I can give – and it is still all as it should be. Because by following my path, I always find kindred souls alongside, and it makes my soul sing.