One day, while I was at work and trying to get through my work day with the same feelings of helpless panic that can plague me, I started searching for subliminal tracks on YouTube. I was looking for something for depression/anxiety and found some tracks called “binaural beats.” Meant to be used with headphones, each ear has a different frequency but the brain perceives it as a pulsating sound. Half the time I had it on speakers, so it was already “pre-mixed.” I don’t know about the wild claims of being better than drugs and letting you levitate (okay I made that last one up), but I do find that it helps to calm me down and concentrate. My favorite one so far is: Chakra Healing Alpha Binaural Beats – Extended Version.
And if you check it out, my answer to your question is yes, I can actually listen to it for over an hour.
Here it is March and the good thing is that except for one small pile, my papers are completely organized. Which is good, because the marital settlement is not completed and I’m running into a deadline. Tonight I have the kids and I’m always amazed how there’s just never any time. I cooked dinner (a real one with shrimp, garlic, and angel hair so woot! me), but after cleanup and making sure my eldest did her homework, spelling, math, math practice, reading, and lines for her play, that was it. We’re done. It’s 9:00 pm and I know most people put their kids to bed and then get stuff done. But I’m always so tired. I go to bed with my kids because anything less then 7 hours turns me into a crazy person. Bad crazy.
The strange thing is that I’m still working out how to be consistently happy. I enjoy my days off from kids, yet I like the schedule we have because they are my emotional reset button. I am fortunate that when I’m with them, I’m just with them, with less of the inner chatter. It’s only when the day is over and realize again I did not work out, again I accomplished little, that I feel sad. Yet when I don’t have them, I still manage to fritter away my time.
I did my Enneagram test and it was amazingly accurate; disturbing to read, too. I know I have faults, like anyone, yet I feel like my faults are unforgivable. Yet I would never be so cruel to anyone else, not the way I am cruel to myself. I am making progress on my life. . . but. Well, transitional period, I hope.