Changing the History

Today I got my new Asus Transformer tablet in the post.  I had been eyeing an iPad since they came out but had been putting it off.  Now, with the transition, I don’t want to purchase a new computer until I actually get settled into the new space.  But, as it is simply not possible for me to live even ONE day* without a computer, I needed a stopgap.  I have to say, my colleague, Hugh, is good at being a saleperson.  I had asked him why he went with that tablet and he said he liked being able to use it with an SD card and connect it directly to his PC and easily trade files in an out.  And it does everything the iPad does at a much cheaper price.  Sold!

However, I did get some grief from L. when the package arrived at the house.  “Why are you buying that?” he asked.  “Whose money did you use?  And why is it that you’re not worried about money at all, and I’m watching every penny?”   I got pretty annoyed.  I said something to the effect that I paid for it out of my own account and though yes, I needed to be careful with money, I was leaving two computers for him because he had wanted both–and I certainly wasn’t going to go to the new place without anything.

“Well, why can’t you use your work computer?”  I explained that I didn’t want Rowan downloading all sorts of internet games on my work computer.  Then I also told him that I couldn’t download lesbo porn on corporate property.  That reasoning seemed to perfectly sufficient for him and he let it drop after that.  😉

I found myself somewhat angry at having to defend my actions.  A little later, I told him I get annoyed when I feel like he’s being kind of rude.  “Rude?” he said.  “I was just joking.”

Let it be noted in the record that I hate the term “I was just joking.”  I have found it to be such a cop-out to be mean or rude but not owe up to it–because now hey, it’s the other person’s problem with their attitude. In the past, I have told myself, Let it drop. It’s not worth it.  But I remembered that I am trying to change the way we’ve always interacted with each other.

So, a bit later I told him, “Hey, just so you know, I’m a bit sensitive about this.  Because I am doing my best to be transparent and fair (with splitting up our assets) and I could have just taken one of your computers. So please don’t give me grief when I buy my own.”  And then we talked about it and some other money stuff we have to discuss and it all got cleared up.

It was a little thing, but I’m trying to be really conscious about talking more about (gah, I hate to even say it) my feelings.  Because I need the practice.  🙂  And also, I want to change the way we’ve always done things, our history, to something better and a bit more mature.

*Note that I am half-joking and half-deadly serious.

Letting Go of a House

One of the most unexpected things about this whole thing is how much I realize I don’t need to be attached to the house.  When I was going through different scenarios of how this would all play out, I realized I would find it extremely difficult to pay for the house and child support.  (A note on child support if you’re curious:  everything will be 50/50, custody and placement, however I make significantly more than he does.  So I will still pay a percentage of my salary to even that out)

It was sad to look at the house, the stream in the backyard, the family of ducks, the brash chipmunks and realize part of the price of this decision is walking away from all that.  Even worse, I had no idea of L. could afford it on his own, so he might very well have to move.  But L wants the house, wants to keep a semblance of normality, and fortunately it looks like he will be able to keep the house with some financial wrangling.  (Thank you low interest rates!)

I laugh when I see people complaining on the internet how it’s too easy these days for people to get divorced.  This is the hardest, most emotional decision I have ever had to make and it took months to get here.  There has been quite a bit of therapy and medication involved, and I’m shamed to say plenty of nights of a glass of drink in hand and mindless DVD watching to get away from my own life.   Part of the hardness of it is giving up the future you had envisioned–I won’t be living here.  God knows where I will be living.  I will have no partner, possibly forever.  I’m going to be a lot poorer.  I won’t be contributing to a college fund for the girls for awhile.  The shift of letting that all go is tremendous, it’s a whole different reality.

But yesterday, the girls and I were out in the backyard.  The peonies are blooming and the blackberries are beginning to bud.  I was rocking with Nova lazily in the hammock and looking up at green leaves of the tree against the sky and I felt at peace.  Yes, it’s all very beautiful–but letting go of it is a way to experience something new.  And I’ve carried a lot of guilt about the leaky basement, the main load-bearing beam of the house with a big ‘ol hole in it, the 3 foot grass, the gutters full of leaves (and sometimes small trees), etc.

I love peonies, but normally I feel guilty cutting blooms. Yeah, don’t ask me why.  I guess I just feel a little bit guilty hastening their demise.  This is also why I don’t buy real Christmas trees, I feel so sad they got cut down.  But this time I cut a whole bunch and put them in the kitchen and they smell fabulous.  After all, they don’t bloom for very long anyway.  And this time, I’m going to enjoy them, no guilt.

Story Short

I’m getting divorced, moving to a new apartment June 1st and it will probably be finalized by the end of year.   That’s really what’s going on.  L and I will have joint custody, joint placement, and he will keep the house in his name only.  I probably won’t go into too much detail about what happened because regardless of my feelings, I truly wish him well.  People change over time–we both have changed, but I would say unfortunately for him, I have changed more.  I’m quite a bit different from the 22-year-old naive Christian girl he met who was sorting out some serious issues.  I am peace with my decision and I am sorry for the hurt I am causing my family, but it feels good to be truthful that this isn’t working.  So despite the fact that there will be pain involved, I am committed to being fair and ending this with integrity.  Because sometimes you can’t control the destination, but you can always control how you handle yourself during a difficult journey.

Other than that, some new projects.  I joined Lucky Bitch Money Bootcamp by Denise Duffield-Thomas and enrolled in B-School.  Exciting stuff ahead, and I need to get some new (not so personal) blogs up.  Stay tuned!  It’s just time to stop thinking of the stuff I’m going to do and start doing the stuff I’m going to do.