Weaned

Whoa, I can’t believe it’s April already.  Where did the time go?  Well, March sort of crashed and burned, what with two business trips, a week of sickness, science fair, and the end of sales class that required a presentation in front of not only my class, but my boss and assorted supervisors (of the other participants.  And with Spring coming, I feel like I need to turn over a new leaf.

I did officially wean Nova.  I hadn’t pumped since before Christmas, but I was still doing comfort nursing here and there, and then my 3-day trip to Florida sort of ended that.  No longer will I have those little hands on me. . .but then again, those last few times it didn’t feel like there was anything left in there.  Not to mention all those teeth, I think she had close to 10 now, including some molars.  So now I have to get serious with being better with my diet and exercise, because my magic weight loss card is over now.  And I’ve gotta to tell you, I like this me.   I am in the extremely enviable position of having to buy new clothes, because my clothes, my underwear, my bras, and even my bikini no longer fit.  I’ve had to do some serious investments in belts to get by.  It’s pretty crazy.  (Of course, I think some of this weight loss is also due to the incredible stress of my job–stress that is mostly self-inflicted)

But while the outside of me looks good, the inside–not looking so good.  At least it’s not postpartum depression, nothing that bad this time.  But this constant anxiety and distractedness and a feeling of being overwhelmed all the time–there is so much to do and I don’t even know where to begin.  And I’m sick of it.  Really, truly sick of it.

It’s funny, because when Rowan was about this age, the cracks in my marriage really started showing.  It was a hard time and there were nasty fights and I wondered if we’d make it–but looking back I realized the situation of having a small child simply brought to light things that weren’t truly working.  She didn’t break anything, it’s just all the new responsibilities showed that we had some issues to work out.

This time around, it’s not even Nova no much but this new job.  My new job that I’ve been in for eight months, and it’s showing the cracks in me.  I don’t like the fact that I haven’t been exercising. . . or practicing. . .  or doing yoga . . . and forget meditation.  I don’t like the fact that I eat crap and drink soda, coffee, and booze.  I don’t write, I don’t draw, I don’t paint.  And the house is a perpetual mess–something I could forgive if I was spending my time on better things–but I’m not!

So you know me, better living through books.  I broke out my copy of Getting Things Done, the productivity classic.  I need to start somewhere.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I don’t know much about my destiny, but I know it’s to the path of a different drummer.  And I can’t hear it, because my head is a jumble. This has been a long standing weakness of mine, but I need to attack it.  There is a lot of stuff I need to do in the life before I die, and I can’t do it with continuous garbage in my head.

So I may be posting about boring productivity stuff.  My apologies.

Author: ~R

I write about life, people, and the things that interest in me. Which often includes death, sex, friendship, and the future of humanity. I hope for the best in people and I prepare for the worst. But no matter what happens, change is constant and everything will be ok.

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