This is Santa, and I thought I should explain to you why you will not be getting a Hello Kitty Gumball Machine this year for Christmas. I regret to inform you that the Hello Kitty Gumball Machine that you saw at Costco is two feet high and there simply isn’t room in your house for more useless junk. Face it, kid, you’re going to eat the gumballs and then that thing is going to sit around forgotten. Oh sure, you think it will be so fun to have gumballs drop down into the spiral gumball slide–but really, how many times are you going to do that before you get bored? Not to mention that your Mom gets really annoyed at how you play with your gum, even when you’re told to keep it in your mouth, and she is just waiting for the day that it gets stuck in your hair and has to be surgically removed. At which point, you’ll probably blame her for a bad haircut and childhood trauma.
Also, another reason you may not be getting the Hello Kitty Gumball Machine is that for months now you have asked for a Nintendo DS. How you’ve wanted one! How you’ve asked for it for Christmas over and over! Well, I have news for you. Your Mom bought you one for Christmas–and the very next day you announced that you no longer wanted a Nintendo DS. Now you want a Hello Kitty Gumball Machine. In fact, in the Christmas list you wrote at after-school daycare, a Nintendo DS didn’t even make the cut! It was pushed out by a gumball machine, paper dolls, and long-sleeved dresses so that you could wear dresses in wintertime and still look pretty. So now your Dad’s going to get a Nintendo DS. And I have to get him a game, because he’s not really going to be into the dress-up kitty game that he got for you to go with your now unwanted Nintendo DS.
So when you see your Dad open up what was supposed to YOUR Nintendo DS, remember that I take notes on who’s naughty and nice throughout the year, including Christmas day itself. You’re going to have to be content with your dolls and your fairy cookbook and dresses and all. Besides, Christmas is too materialistic anyways and you should focus on what a miracle it was that Baby Jesus was born and really, all you need is love. Some people don’t even get that.
Plus, your Mom told me to tell you that Nova could choke on all those gumballs and you don’t want to be responsible for killing your sister. Girls who kill their baby sisters get on next year’s naughty list.
Thanks for the cookies,