Just Being Me

I often wonder what my purpose in life is.  I know it’s an assumption to believe I have one, but I believe we all have one–it’s just some may be more extreme than others.  I’m rediscovering that I am attracted to extreme, but I’m not really that extreme.

Friends of ours had a baby recently (there’s been a lot of that going around).  They’re probably going to be the best parents ever.  They are centered and grounded and eternally optimistic and I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes wish I was one of them, instead of me.  I still just don’t get why I’m here.

Not that I’m not grateful, because I am.  I put Nova down to sleep and she woke right up and screamed.  I waited a bit and then went to her, and to see that pink face peering over the crib–tonight, I was not annoyed.  I picked her up and held her small body and gave thanks to the stars that I am so lucky to have her.  Yet I am not always like this.  I love my kids–but I don’t feel that my purpose is to be a mom.  It’s part of the experience of life that I chose, and I don’t regret it.  But I also don’t want to bust out eight babies or anything.

And then sometimes I perform thought experiments, such as–if I were really really rich, what would I do?  And my answers are all terribly shallow, like throw really expensive dinner parties for all my friends with really awesome food, and travel to exotic locales and buy a house with a yoga studio.  And then I can’t think of anything else.  Oh, and I’d buy myself a bootcamp instructor who would whip me into shape so that I could do one-handed pushups.  So I can think of one more thing, but the point is, it’s all very inward focused.   I don’t really want to go and feed starving children in Ethiopia.

Actually, what I’d probably do is go back to school because I just love learning stuff.  I’d probably rack up ten degrees.  Astrophysics with a minor in Japanese, perhaps.  Art with a minor in Biomedical Engineering.  Finish up the coursework in electron microscopy.  The one thing that has always been constant is that I love to learn anything that I didn’t know before, the weirder the better.  But I can’t see how me increasing my repository of information particularly helps anyone.

Author: ~R

I write about life, people, and the things that interest in me. Which often includes death, sex, friendship, and the future of humanity. I hope for the best in people and I prepare for the worst. But no matter what happens, change is constant and everything will be ok.

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