I stayed home today because 1) I had no brain until 10:00 am and 2) Nova had a cough and the ladies at daycare had written a note about how she might be coming down with something. She was somewhat cranky, but luckily not too bad. I spend most of the day watching Angel, rather than doing anything productive. It was nice to see the sun, soon it will only be weekends that I will get any sunlight. I think this year I might actually break down and buy one of those SAD light boxes. Each winter, I feel the darkness more and more. You’d think being ex-goth and all I would love it, but no, now I like the sun.
I’ve been reading a book “The Scalpel and the Soul, ” written by a neurosurgeon. It’s good, but a hard read. It deals with this doctor’s experiences with surgery, death, and the mystical. And I don’t know if it’s because winter is coming, or because I know so many people with cancer now, or because I took a job that deals (indirectly) with cancer, I have been feeling the coming gloom. I look at my beautiful children, and there’s something about having something so good that makes you afraid you might lose it. My life is pretty good. Kids, decent marriage, a job with a future–it might be that I’m afraid that something will go wrong. And then there’s the fact that I am still nowhere the person I want to be, I’m still searching for my path, wondering if I have a destiny, if that doesn’t sound too stuck up.
I had a lot of fun at the meeting. I had been dreading it a bit, leaving the girls and doing a lot of standing. But now I miss it. Even though I was working, it felt like a bit of a vacation. And tomorrow I will go in the office and get back to my regular life. I wonder if I will ever stop wondering why it is I am here. I think of Katy, taking her life when her daughter was 10 months old. She is forgotten in a sea of people born and dying, kept alive only because of memories, but they fade as time goes by. I see my father-in-law, getting off the merry-go-round. It may be a bit sooner than we hoped, but as the same time, everyone gets off eventually to make way for the new ones.
I look at my daughters, the whites of their eyes as white as a boiled egg. No broken blood vessels or yellowing. Their whole life is fresh and new like their perfect pure eyeballs. They are the picture of vitality, life is beautiful, all potentiality. Who knows the depths or the heights they can achieve? I hope they will be faster learners than I was, sometimes I still feel so behind.