So last night I was actually planning on writing more, but guess what? I was interrupted yet again. It has been frustrating, my life. Things should be going great. I have a new job and a beautiful baby. Except that beautiful baby wants to be with me all the time. She is either with me or fussing because she’s not. And she’s adorable, but I feel like a need a vacation from my life. The new job is work–and that’s fine, it’s totally what I signed up for. Something to actually challenge, make me grow. But my lazy self is still dragging me down. And then I get home and the house is a mess, piles of papers and clothes and then a couple of weeks ago we had to take Kiku to the vet because she was peeing blood. Yep, there is something more disgusting that cat pee, cat pee with blood. She has different food and no more crystals in her urine and no more E. coli infection, but I just feel overwhelmed. I wish I could just be happy.
Of course, all I want to do is drink wine and eat cheese and/or chocolate because these are things I like. But they’re not always good for me. And exercise–I haven’t done a thing. Well, I did start up my bellydance classes again, so that’s good, but I’m not in shape. And yes, I am grateful that I got the baby weight off, that is nice. But I am not fit on the inside. I don’t feel energetic or particularly happy and I am constrained because I don’t want to have to drive a half hour to drop Nova off just to do something on my own. And I don’t want people over either because then I’d have to clean and god forbid that people see my house as it truly is. Yes, a prison of my own making. I’m just really, really grouchy these days.
And I’m trying to quit coffee and soda and that’s not going well either. I think I just like to have a checklist of all the things I’m not doing as excuses to hate myself. Okay, (here comes mama mode), I don’t hate myself. But I’m just not proud of myself. I’d love to see friends BUT I am fed up–FED UP–with making plans that fall through, because apparently that’s what friends are for–blowing off, because they’ll always understand that you found something more important. After all, what does a person’s word mean these days?
Okay, that came off a bit more bitter than I intended. It’s not really that bad. I just feel like I’m always late, never prepared, and life is passing and I am accomplishing. . . nothing. And if I were a man, I would just get myself laid, but my dear husband does not understand that such things do not shut my brain up. How lovely and simple it would be if all I needed was a little nookie to make my problems go away! Things are actually going well on that front–if I did take a vacation, I would want him with me–it’s just not my preferred mode of escape. I miss bootcamp.
Well, October is almost done and as Nova gets older, perhaps she will not cling to me so. One of my books has a statement about the older baby (6- 12 mos): “The demands of a lover are delightful if reciprocated and oppressive if not.” It’s sweet how much she loves me, crawling on me, standing up, pulling on my pants legs. It’s just . . . a new baby and a new job = a lot more stress. It will get better, I’m just not a very patient person!