The Real Me

So I hate admitting this, but I can be a little vain sometimes.  I hate to admit to because I’m afraid those who know me would secretly laugh behind my back, wondering what on earth I have to be vain about.  The fact is, beauty is a sore spot with me.  In the past, I blamed much of my social life failures on my looks, believing I was at best, plain, and at worst, a big-nosed freak.  I mean, look at Streisand.  It defines her.  And it defines her as “not hot” to the general population.

Not that I need or want acceptance from the men who think Pamela Anderson is the epitome of all women–I don’t try to compete with that.  And truthfully, I am at a point where I am accepting of what I look like–most days.   But I start my new job in one week and I have been debating:  glasses or contacts?

I interviewed in my contacts, of course.  See, on my path from hating my face to actually liking myself, I changed everything that I could.  I changed my hair color, I stopped wearing glasses, and I started wearing black.  (Yes, wearing all black was the beginning of loving myself :))  And if I want to feel pretty, generally I wear contacts.

But about two years ago, my eye doctor gave me some pretty sobering news.  Years of wearing hard contacts had caused my blood vessels to thicken and start to twist the cornea.  They might twist the cornea enough to cause partial blindness.  And my optic nerve is very thick at the base of my eye, usually an indicator of glaucoma.   Which could also lead to blindness.   He recommended that I stop wearing contacts or at least wear them as little as possible.

Now this is the part you can laugh at, but that day I felt like I had a choice:  I could be ugly or I could be blind.  I sat in my car by the clinic afterwards and cried.  And of course I stopped wearing contacts so much.  The damage has slowed, and later tests do not appear to indicate glaucoma.  (I get to take special tests every year now).  But the intensity of my reaction surprised me.

I thought I was over this.  I don’t feel ugly anymore, but the idea of never being able to wear contacts just saddens me.  It makes me feel like I was a 5, and contacts were the pass to get to the 7 class, but now I’m being demoted back to 5.  So who is the real me?  The 5 or the 7?  And I try to tell myself, it’s what inside that counts.

But there is a shallow part of me that wishes, just wishes that for once I could be the one to stop traffic, to make someone forget what they were just talking about, that wishes I could be really hot.  Really undeniably hot.  It embarrasses me, to be sure.  But when people with average-sized noses complain–complain!–about their “big” noses, I just want to smack them.  I want to shake them and say, “Nose?  You wanna talk about noses?  Because you don’t got anything on me bud, and let me tell you–it is not easy trying to be a pretty girl in this world when you have a damn big nose!”

Whew, sorry about that, it’s just a pet peeve of mine.

And it makes me think that though I have come far, there is a bigger challenge.  There is the challenge in learning not just how to be okay in my glasses, but to learn how to feel pretty in glasses.   Oh, and I’d like to learn how to apply makeup in my semi-blind slate.  ‘Cos seriously, people, it’s bad.

Author: ~R

I write about life, people, and the things that interest in me. Which often includes death, sex, friendship, and the future of humanity. I hope for the best in people and I prepare for the worst. But no matter what happens, change is constant and everything will be ok.

8 thoughts on “The Real Me”

  1. I feel you on being ugly in the glasses hun!! Nothing takes you back to being a young child like putting on those spectacles and hearing ‘4-eyes’ replay in your head. As for my personal opinion, I would absolutely kill to look like you, big nose and all. Everyone has some sort of issue with their body, Pamela Anderson and her fake boobs included, and since the day I met you, I couldn’t help but feel like a plain Jane in your presence. It may not seem believable to you, but it’s the truth, and you are the reason I started wearing black so many years ago. Granted, I am much happier with my looks now that I have found someone that makes me happy, but there are still days I read your blog and think back and go ‘How come I can’t look like that?’

  2. Or we can take the easy way out and start a “Rebekah’s LASIK surgery fund” 😉

    Seriously, though, I think you are lovely. And have a great body. I covet your body (in a non-creepy way *grin*). And I don’t want you to go blind, so my vote is for glasses!

  3. I’ve been overweight since I’ve been in high school, in varying degrees. I’m currently struggling with trying to lose it again (28 pounds so far). I started bellydancing 11 months ago. And about 3 months ago, I finally started to accept my body the way it is, especially after watching some of my teacher’s troupe-mates dance. Because several of them are either my size or larger and it doesn’t stop them from dancing! Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t lose the weight for my health, but I don’t stress over every picture anymore.

    One thing they’ve told us at Weight Watchers is to focus on your good qualities, what you like about yourself. I think this is perfect advice in this situation as well. And remember, just because you don’t like it, doesn’t mean that someone else won’t like you exactly the way you are.

    And blind will make it very hard to see how beautiful your children grow up to be, so I vote for glasses too! And I can relate to your woes of now wanting to wear glasses. I look ridiculous in them. Really, I do. Plus I seem to be allergic to the preservatives in contact solution, so I can’t wear those either. As a result, I choose to wear nothing for now since my eyesight isn’t that bad yet, but someday I’m going to have to decide between glasses and LASIK. (I’m leaning towards LASIK)

    1. Yes, I will probably look into LASIK at some point. But first I have to practice my meditation skills, as the fact that you’re conscious during freaks me out. 🙂

  4. Well, as you probably know, not everyone is a good candidate for LASIK, especially if you have really bad eyesight. I sometimes think about it, and that is always one of my “wishes” if I had three of them — to fix my eye sight.

    I know what you mean about glasses versus contacts. I had to wear the horrible welfare glasses growing up. I hated them so much I would stuff them into my pocket at every chance and went through the allotted two pairs every year. I got comments from everyone about how I should wear my glasses more often. I was sick of it. Finally when I turned 18, I got a little money from the tribe 2000$ — the first thing I did with it was got contacts. The second thing I did was buy a plane ticket to finland, the third was to get buy my Mom a birthday cake and the last was to convert the leftover money to traveler’s checks.

    I am still super glad that I can wear contacts. And, why do you have to wear hard contacts? The technology of contacts has evolved so much in the last 10 years , have you looked into how breathable they are these days?

    In sum. I hate wearing glasses and don’t feel comfortable in them, or pretty. I had to take a break wearing contacts for a year or two a couple years ago, and it sucked. I was so happy to have contacts back. I love my 3D world.

    1. Yes, I wore gas permeable contacts for many years. I honestly found them more comfortable than soft–I think my astigmatism makes them heavier and thus have more suction. They feel like little plungers at least after a long day. And now, my prescription is so bad I have only found one soft contact lens manufacturer that makes them! But I will deal. 🙂

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