So due to a mix-up (on my part) with PTO and maternity leave, I am home today. I have lots I should be doing, but so far all I have done is dug some dirt, pumped twice, and watched some episodes of Buffy. Oh, and I’m having an illicit cup of coffee. I say illicit because coffee can mess up me insides, but I am actually doing okay with it. My brother stayed over the weekend and for company I like to make the fresh-ground stuff with real cream and brown sugar. . . mmm.
I have to say, I’m really glad to have a brother and have him so near. We both had yesterday off so we did some shopping at Target (for really exciting stuff like socks, underwear, and vacuum cleaners) and then went out to lunch before I took him home. He’s a good guy (though he should dump the smoking habit. . ick) and I enjoy spending time with him. He’s also a great uncle, so good with the kids. When he’s around, he has no compunction about picking up Nova and bouncing her when needed.
I read a lot, and I love human psychology, mind stuff, and science. I’ve read in more than one place that how much time you spend with friends has a direct correlation with your happiness. The people in our lives are our greatest treasures. Having said that, I am still on the hunt for friends to complement the fringes of me. I have my work friends (which would have more impact if I didn’t have to pump now on my lunch break), my pagan/new age friends, my geek friends, and my artist friends. But I am still looking for bellydance friends and personal development friends. After all, one can never have enough friends!
Case in point, on Saturday I went to the annual UW Bellydance Show. It was fun, though not as well attended as in years past. I was supposed to meet someone there, but she ended up getting sick, so it was just me. I thought, well perhaps I will meet somebody new and make a new friend. I did. . . but I think he was about 18. Maybe 22. He was dressed like me, blazer type jacket, armwarmers, comfy shoes, reading a book. He had gotten there really early and we ended up talking. And to be frank, it was nice to have someone to sit with. But I feel guilty when I talk to single guy without putting the disclaimer out there, “I’m married. . . I have two kids. . . I’m probably twice your age.” That, and right now, I really want to make friends with people who are sort of where I am. People who have kids but don’t want it to totally define who they are.
You know, when I was 18, I did not look far enough ahead. I really wanted to find love, and I did. I wanted to have kids, and I did. I wanted to get a job and not worry about my income too much (hence the scientific degree), and I did. Now what? Am I greedy that I want something more? I often wonder why the heck I am here. I do, very much, want to be a great mom to my two girls. I want to grow old and see my grandchildren. I want to teach them that you there’s always another finish line and it’s okay to not have the answers. I know that I have a great deal of influence in the circle of my family, but it is a small circle of influence. I feel often that I am quite ordinary, and it bugs me.
I dreamt the other night that Rowan and I were on a bus with a bunch of other people. We were cresting on top of a mountain and starting for a bridge that crossed over a giant sea towards a large city. As I looked at the other end of the bridge, it collapsed. For a moment I was relieved, because I thought we weren’t on it yet, but then I realized we had already started driving across. As we fell through the air and were about to hit the water, I felt sad, but not horrified. I was sad that this was all the life Rowan and I would get, there was so much I wanted to do, and I hoped it was quick because she was so young. I didn’t think this was the way it was going to end for us. And as we fell, I fell into my body and realized the weight on my arm was Nova, not Rowan, and I was alive. It felt so real, and so I have to wonder–I get to live some more, so what am I going to doing with that time?
I don’t have any allusions that I’m going to cure cancer or AIDs or anything like that. But I do want the world to be a better place because I am here. Part of that is definitely bringing up my kids to be compassionate. Other than that, I’m not sure what I can contribute. I suppose there’s money, but I want to get my hands dirty. Of course any big dreams are going to have to wait a bit, as I sort of have my hands full with a young baby right now. 🙂