So I had sort of a pie-in-the-face incident happen lately (which I’m not really going to go into detail with). Suffice it to say, my emotions went from “I’m feeling pretty good about myself” back to feeling “I am a complete moron.”
Among my long list of things to do to improve both myself and my life, emotional mastery sits pretty high. I think I’m a pretty laid back person, until something goes wrong, and then I don’t exhibit laid back behavior at all. I become easily distracted and teary. And I wonder why is it so hard to come to a stop in the middle? Obviously, it’s great to like yourself as a person. And rationally, it’s pretty easy to say, “Yeah, I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty good. I’ll give myself some leeway, because I’m still learning in the life.”
But what happens when you realize, actually sometimes the way you behave is selfish? Sometimes arrogant? And no, you didn’t go around thinking “Today, I’m going to be a total douche bag. Yeah, I’ve been nice most days, but today I’m going to dump on people.” No, usually what happens it that you behave in a manner that you find completely justifiable. Except then you get called on it. And then you feel like crap. And then you wonder if all those times that you felt like you were a pretty decent person, perhaps you weren’t so great after all. Where is the truth?
Perhaps the truth is irrelevant because we are all only human, and nobody is really perfect. And if you believe in subjective truth, then there are multiple truths floating around anyway. For me, I wrestle with being pretty happy with myself (and secretly wondering if I”m being arrogant) to feeling pretty low about myself, which a useless state to be in, because then I can’t help anyone. So where is the true humility? Where is the path of wisdom, when you accept your faults but don’t berate yourself for them?
This is why I should be meditating, instead of falling asleep.