I’m still here

In case you’ve been wondering where I am, I am still here.  🙂  I have just been very internal lately.  Half the time I wonder if my thoughts wouldn’t just bore people, so why bother writing them down.  But I had a conversation with a friend of mine and I was saying how I had gotten a compliment on my eyeshadow (yellow and bright green that day) and I realized that if I were no longer around, people would notice.  She told me that people do notice, and even in my withdrawn periods, people notice.

I have been a bit up and down, it’s odd.  At bellydance class I feel fat and ugly, though I am learning so much, so I don’t want to quit.  When I have friends over for dinner, I feel beautiful and free.  I read a lot on life and spirituality.  I feel like I am getting better at accepting that someday I will die, even though I really don’t want to do so now.  Too much to do yet, and my girl needs me.

I am really try to work at becoming a better person.  For one thing, I would like to have more strange and mystical experiences–yet I know right now, I would feel far too much fear if something weird happened to me.   I’m not mature enough to handle it without peeing my pants.  I really want to get away from fear, because there is still a lot of fear that hides in me, influencing my actions.

I would really like to help people, and more than anything, I want to have a meaningful impact in this world.  But unless I learn to more focussed, more disciplined, more clear, I will not have much power to influence much of anything.  And that’s what I’m working on these days.

Author: ~R

I write about life, people, and the things that interest in me. Which often includes death, sex, friendship, and the future of humanity. I hope for the best in people and I prepare for the worst. But no matter what happens, change is constant and everything will be ok.

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