Grumpy today

You know, for a Friday you’d think I’d be happier.  But I have a slight cold, I’m still working on that sleep deficit, and I got my first real period since March.  All I want to do is sleep.  Had another talk about supervisor stuff with my boss, and I’m wondering if I can deal with corporate bullshit.  Already had one of my new people put in her notice, although frankly, that’s not due to me.  I’m pretty sure that was in the works already.

I still am missing my dance night, but now I’m just more bitchy about it.  And I’m feeling alone again.  As in, am I just weird about this whole personal development/wanting to have an authentic life stuff?  Am I the only one who cares?  Everyone else seems perfectly happy with their cube farm lifestyle (the ones who are already there at least).

And I started new dance classes on Wednesday with a new teacher.  Wow, I’m really bad.  I’m in a Level 1 class, and it seems to be about the right fit.  Great, I’m glad the last two years I haven’t learned squat.  I’m also really glad that the scale has not budged in a month.   I really need a dance night/girls night out.

Pure Exhaustion

Okay, so this week I’ve just been dragging.  Probably started when I stayed up too late on Sunday.  And then, as married couples are wont to do on occasion, Leif and I ended staying up late Monday in a heated “discussion.”  Then we were doing better yesterday, but got into another “discussion.”  And then there was the makeup session this morning after the discussion.  Fun, but I cannot wait for the weekend for some real sleep here.

But we’re going to have to watch out.  Had a close call after the makeup session, when a little voice called out, “What’s happening?”  That’s the signal to get your pants back on.  Ah well, she’s four and well-adjusted.  It’s about time to traumatize her.

The Half Blood Moon

So did anyone else see the half a blood moon low in the sky around midnight last night (technically this morning)?  Probably not, because you were probably safe and asleep in your bed, waiting for Monday morning.  I went out last night instead.

My friend Christy had invited me to go to the Sabbat de Sade night.  I haven’t been to a true fetish night in a long time, and the theme was super villains.  That did it for me, I love super villains.  I wasn’t sure what to expect so a dressed up in a red velvet halter top, black corset, spiderweb hotpants (hee hee I’m so goth I own cobweb hotpants that must be a joke somewhere), big bucket fishnets, and a shawl around my hips.  Then I put on a mask and vampire collar from one of Rowan’s costumes and went out.

However, I had kind of gone out to do some dancing, but there was no dancing to be had.  The whole dancefloor was taken up with play items.  Christy had seen the spanking, floggings, and people tied up before, but the suspension play was new for her.  I admit, there is something different about seeing people suspended from their shoulderblades with giant fishhooks, especially when they’re being swung around like a human pendulum.  A little reminiscent of Texas Chainsaw massacre, perhaps, except the hooks are smaller and no one is actually being killed.  I kept thinking that it couldn’t be as bad as having a needle punched through my uterus.  I admit to being kind of curious.

But there was a wait and frankly I’m not sure I would want to be on display.  The fire play was pretty cool, that I was interested in.  Because someday I want to do bellydance in front of an audience, but of course I would want to make it interesting.  And what could be more interesting than bellydance?  Why gothic bellydance where you set yourself on fire, of course!  Yeah, well I still need a lot of practice before I am remotely ready for that.  🙂

Towards the end of the night I was approached by a man named Raven (yeah, your name would be that) who asked if I would be willing to step on a man’s face.  So I took off my boots and proceeded to literally walk all over this guy who seemed pretty happy to be on the floor.  And yes I put my entire weight on one foot on his face.  But then again, all he had to lie there and I’m sure he had a great view.  Good thing I was wearing underwear.  As I left, Raven said with a smile, “We hope to see you here again.”

I’m not sure the scene really calls to me.  I found it amusing, and great to see people being themselves.  What I really liked is that people were unashamed of themselves and their bodies.  There were a lot more boobs with pasties (letting it all hang out) than corsets.  And the bodies were all different sizes. I wasn’t repulsed by anything I saw, but I wasn’t really aroused by it either.  Nope, I think I just like to dress up and dance.  Now if only I could find a masquerade ball in the area . . .

Pure Energy

Yesterday I went to the Saturday bootcamp at Elver Park.  I’ve been trying to go every Saturday, because I don’t know what’s going to happen when the weather gets too cold to workout outside.  Plus, on Thursday Dustin (my trainer) was at a fitness conference, so one of the other trainers stepped in to lead the small group.  Well, she was too easy on us.  Cardio wasn’t too bad, but we needed a lot more weights for the strength portion.

Apparently I was not the only one who felt this way.  On Sat, we had a small PPD contigent to get in their “tough” workout.   They did not disappoint.  I was sweaty and completely disgusting by the end of it.  (And I went grocery shopping afterwards–ha!)  After it was done and people started leaving, Dayna mentioned she would almost like a short jog afterwards to cool down.  “You want to?”  I said, “Let’s do it!”  So we went for a short jog.  Then we got back and decided to go glute exercises just to finish off.  And part of me is just looking at myself, saying “Who are you?”  I felt great.

Maybe I’m just running on addiction to endorphins, because last night, even though I had already worked out, I threw some more cardio and dance for another half hour.  And I’m going dancing tonight!  hee hee.

So here are the little things that for so long have bugged me and yet to change them felt so monumental:

At night, I have been choosing my clothes for the next day, because it saves me time.

At night, I have been packing my lunch for the next day, same reason above.

I have been getting up at 6:00 am so I’m not always running out the door late.

I have been better at making meals that utilizes my vegetables using my crop share.

I have been trying to make sure there are no dishes lingering in the sink by the end of the night.  (This one is particularly hard for me)

If you are not a lazy person, the above things may seem self-evident and exceedingly simple.  But for me, I don’t why I had such resistance to them.  In general, I have not been the greatest at the planning ahead thing.  But I’m getting better, and the difference now is that I am not fighting myself anymore.  The dishes thing–you know, I would always think, “Why can’t Leif do that?  He should be doing that.”  Well, the truth is is that it is an issue that’s important to me.  So why don’t I stop my grumbling and take responsibility for it?

My further goals are to get up early and workout every morning (belly dance, yoga, or even Tae Bo :)) and to meditate every night.  I found some incense I really like, and it’s so peaceful, in the silence after everyone has gone to bed, to just watch the stream of smoke as it curls up.  And there’s a lot of spiritual work I’ve been doing.  I bought a daytimer, and I just keep writing all the ideas that come into my head.  I almost feel like it’s getting rid of some of my fog in my mind when I don’t have to keep track of stuff.  Sort of like a low-tech Pensieve, if you will.  🙂

Change

So in case you’ve been worried about me, you don’t need to be.  I am in a strange place right now, happy but quiet about it.  Some days I’ve been intensely happy.  In fact, today was kind of a letdown because I felt kind of normal.  For the past three days I’ve been euphoric, yet it would be strange to run outside yelling, “I love everybody!  Life is the coolest thing ever!” even though that’s pretty much the way I feel.

I am on a path that may lead me far, far from where I’m starting.  I don’t really want to talk about it, because it deals with my dreams and being authentic to myself.  Until my outside life reflects it, it seems silly to even discuss it.

Every day is full of such new experiences.  I am so happy to be alive.  And yet, there is so much I want to change in my life and I finally feel resistance crumbling.  Because it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, in the end it is just me and my choices.  I have come to embrace all my so-called kooky beliefs, even if other people would laugh at me.  It’s all good.

Gratitude

On Monday, we had an old friend of Leif’s over, Steve.  Steve used to room with Leif about 15 years ago, but then they lost touch over the years.  Coincidentally, Leif is a big listener to 92.1 the Mic, a liberal radio station and a few months ago the DJ mentioned Steve.  I don’t know the details, but it was something along the lines of “Our friend Steve has terminal brain cancer and his dying wish is to see Barack Obama in office.”   With other details mentioned, Leif realized it was the Steve he had known so long ago.

So I got to meet Steve.  He is 40, the same age as Leif, but walks with a cane and often wears dark sunglasses as his eyes are sensitive to light.  He is bald and there are three indentations on his head where they drilled to remove the tumor.  Because of this, he has to be extra careful not to fall because on the indentations,  there is only skin between the outside and his brain.  He was diagnosed a couple of years ago and statistically speaking, within 5 years, 90% die with this kind of cancer.  He has been given the “You have 6 months to live” talk three times now.  He cannot work or drive, and he gets Meals on Wheels.  He has massive debt from the medical bills he has accrued.

But despite all this, he remains fairly upbeat.  He feels like he still has things to do before he can leave.  I asked him about what it is like to be him, and he was very honest, almost intense.  We talked about his treatments and his dead cat, Uzi, whom he says will be the first to greet him on the other side.  Except for the bald head, he looks almost. . .ordinary.

It’s hard to be human.  It’s hard to see our own mortality.  I think Leif felt a bit like I did when I saw Kris a few years back and he walked with a cane.   There is something wrong about seeing someone in your age group is such a worse physical condition.  And yet, why do we expect some sort of human perfection in a world that is so obviously imperfect?

In a conversation with my Mom recently about Bram, she said the death was hard for her, because the destiny of every child was to grow into an adult.  But I think I have to disagree with that.  What is adult?  20? 40? 60?  Many children in this world will not live to even the age of 20.  I think it is more accurate that it is the hope that children will outlive their parents, but we are not so far from an age where a woman could have 5 kids and easily lose all of them to an epidemic.   Death seems so tragic for the young and younger because it is now unexpected.  It seems almost preventable.  But we forget, none of us will get out of this alive anyway.  And sometimes a tragedy is the only for us to get the message, sometimes it’s the slap of the universe that gets us to open our eyes, to wake up.

My biggest regret about my life is that I basically wasted a decade of it to depression.  One of my biggest fears is that Rowan will want to kill herself at age 11 like I did, though honestly she seems already better adjusted than I was.  🙂  I don’t ever want to waste time like that again, thinking about how tomorrow will be better, tomorrow will the day I end it and know secretly, really, I will never have the gumption to end it.   Now my life is a far cry from that.  Now sometimes I fear that my life will be taken from me because I didn’t appreciate it for so long, and to leave Rowan motherless is a horrible thought.  And of course I have the fears that every parent has, that Rowan will be taken from me and I would go mad with grief.  Yet these things happen all the time.  Usually it seems like they happen to other people, until it happens to us.

But the really interesting thing and the really beautiful thing is that everyone has these stories.  Nobody has the perfect life, that’s not what life is about.  It is about the imperfection, the snags, the tears.  And won’t it be nice in the end, in the eternal and unchangeable, to laugh and reminisce about everything we put ourselves through?