So I’ve found that some people actually do read my blog, and a couple mentioned that I haven’t posted in awhile. That’s because I’m usually pretty pissy these days. Usually in the morning I’m pretty bad and around 2:30 pm or so I cheer up. Or get sad, but in any case I’m not as angry. Don’t take it seriously, (I’m not), its just a phase.
Plus, I’ve had a few moral dilemmas come my way. Well, actually two. It’s sort of felt like a bit of a testing lately. I wish I could get into it more, but part of it actually stemmed from this blog and I don’t really feel like stirring crap up. Mainly because right now I’d probably start a fight and I know that’s really not the best thing to do. But sadly, I have had to face some disappointment in people. We all like to think we get along with our friends, that on this journey of life we kind of all are going in the same direction. It is sad to see paths diverge. It is sad sometimes to see someone clearly. There’s a line between a person with flaws and a flawed person, but it’s a very real distinction.
Of course, I’m feeling pretty flawed these days too. It is really hard to change yourself. I get older every year, and still no better. I still worry about providing enough for my family, hate that I can’t for the love of god keep a clean house, hate that I still lose things. Will I ever come close to the person I want so desperately to be? Although perhaps I should feel fortunate that I worry about such things. I used to care much more about finding love, finding friends–now that I have them my mind turns to other things I guess.
As much as sometimes I am disappointed in people, I am usually far more grateful to the wonderful people who have graced my life. A week or two ago, my friend Amy was in town. A bunch of us went to dinner, and yet I could not be happy. There was this great sadness in me, not at all pertinent to the situation, and I excused myself after dinner. On the way home, I called Stacy and she told me to come over. There is something so accepting about good friends. We spent the evening talking and it felt so good to belong. Everywhere I go, I meet beautiful people. Most of them look pretty normal on the outside, but there is such richness on the inside. I wish I could tell their stories.
Well, now I’m sad and sentimental. That’s the great thing about hormones, you never know what you’re gonna get.