Breakdown

You know how I said Monday Rowan had a breakdown?  Well, tonight was my turn.  I just haven’t been myself lately.  It’s not like I’m miserable–just kind of down.  I try to remain optimistic, but sometimes it’s just hard to always be optimistic.

It’s hard to put it all into words.  I know part of it the dark.  Yes, despite my goth leanings I don’t like not seeing the sun–ever.  I feel lonely and disconnected.  I hate that there are some constant things about myself that I don’t like and I find it really hard to change those things.  I hate feeling poor. I hate that there are choices I don’t get to make.  This whole thing with the roof sort of shook me, the amount of debt I’m in.  I feel like I tried to do the good thing–I went to college, I got a bachelor’s degree in Chemistry, and it’s still not enough.  When will it be enough?

Last night, I dreamed I was in Hell.  Like supposedly the real thing, except it was a school.  (Well, I guess high school was as close to Hell as I have ever been.)  There were two other girls with me, also being judged.  And when I got the verdict that I was going to eternal damnation, I picked up a box of doughnuts and threw it at God.  It was one of those clear plastic boxes, and the doughnuts went everywhere (Am I subconsciously equating God with a cop?)  My mom would be so happy that I had a dream like that, probably take it as a sign from the real God that that’s where I’m going.

Author: ~R

I write about life, people, and the things that interest in me. Which often includes death, sex, friendship, and the future of humanity. I hope for the best in people and I prepare for the worst. But no matter what happens, change is constant and everything will be ok.

One thought on “Breakdown”

  1. *comforts*

    I am sorry. Looks like it was a crappy Wednesday all around 😦

    At least hopefully you won’t have to go to work on Friday, and will get to recharge a little over the long weekend. Unless you are like me. I actually told my Dad on the phone, “it’s not a nice relaxing weekend when we are home with the kids for FOUR DAYS.”

    Hope things get better soon. *hugs*

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