You know how I said Monday Rowan had a breakdown? Well, tonight was my turn. I just haven’t been myself lately. It’s not like I’m miserable–just kind of down. I try to remain optimistic, but sometimes it’s just hard to always be optimistic.
It’s hard to put it all into words. I know part of it the dark. Yes, despite my goth leanings I don’t like not seeing the sun–ever. I feel lonely and disconnected. I hate that there are some constant things about myself that I don’t like and I find it really hard to change those things. I hate feeling poor. I hate that there are choices I don’t get to make. This whole thing with the roof sort of shook me, the amount of debt I’m in. I feel like I tried to do the good thing–I went to college, I got a bachelor’s degree in Chemistry, and it’s still not enough. When will it be enough?
Last night, I dreamed I was in Hell. Like supposedly the real thing, except it was a school. (Well, I guess high school was as close to Hell as I have ever been.) There were two other girls with me, also being judged. And when I got the verdict that I was going to eternal damnation, I picked up a box of doughnuts and threw it at God. It was one of those clear plastic boxes, and the doughnuts went everywhere (Am I subconsciously equating God with a cop?) My mom would be so happy that I had a dream like that, probably take it as a sign from the real God that that’s where I’m going.